Have you ever felt trapped by the relationship with your mom? You love her but the pain she causes in your life is too much to handle right now in your life? Is enough, enough?
I am right here with you sisters.
The day before my thirty-eight birthday, my birth mother who I haven’t talked to in a year (by choice) unexpected and uninvited showed up at my house. It’s time to face the truth of what my relationship actually is with her and make boundaries even when it’s hard.
For my entire life, I have walked on eggshells with this woman, always wanting this unrealistic expectation of our relationship. Only year after year I am left disappointed and frustrated.
The Mother, Daughter Lies
For my entire life, I grabbed onto the fake ideas of what a mother-daughter relationship needs to look like. How most of us were taught, I held on to the lies of thinking I could have the picture-perfect mom. Suprise or no surprises here I was left was guilt, resentment, blame, and shame.
While here my inner child stands wanting this mom, and this made-for movie’s relationship, I realize it is completely unrealistic.
Here I take full accountability for the relationships in my life. It’s time to make boundaries and create the relationships I want in my life.
Birthday Boundaries with My Mother
Back to the day before my birthday, there I circled my bathroom in anger I decided to take a breath and allow myself to actually say how I feel to her for the first time in my life. Only I don’t call her mom, and so I told her that. And it enraged her, and there she did her best to resume the high and mighty mother role while I was the little girl who keeps her mouth shut. But not today, here I stand with no rage or hate, I stand with honesty and bravery and speak my truth and here I am free.
6 Tips To Set Boundaries With You Mom
1. Breathe- Reflect on How You are Feeling
Breathe, come into your body, or into your heart, and notice how you are feeling. Are you feeling triggered? Where do you feel it? In your head, stomach, in your hips, or somewhere else? Where is this coming from? Is there something your mom said or did that is triggering you into feeling how you are feeling? Notice where this is happing.
2. Speak Your Truth
Take a breath, it is time. Notice and then notice what thoughts are streaming in. It is time to tell her what is on your heart. This can come from a place of love for you, it doesn’t have to be hateful. I know we can want to scream and blame but that’s not what this is about. Here and now it’s time to set yourself free by actually saying the things you have always wanted to say to your mom, but have somehow been afraid of how she would respond or worse it might change your relationship with her.
Its time to ask yourself? Do I want a different relationship with my mom?
3. Let Go of The Guilt
Most of our moms were raised on guilt trips therefore we were raised on guilt trips. As Louise Hay, the author of You Can Heal Your Life shares we are all victims of victims. Just because she chooses guilt doesn’t mean we have to follow her lead.
When the guilt comes in the form of comments, stories or just shoving guilt in our face this is where it is up to us. One of the first steps is noticing the guilt, notice the words, notice how it feels in your body. Guilt is one of the lowest vib emotions that almost always has an instant physical response.
What if this time we notice the guilt and allow it to arise?
If we allow guilt to bubble up we can allow it to move through us as opposed to trapping it deep inside. Part of healing is feeling.
4. Allow Her Response
Listen to what she has to say. Just because your mom says something to you does not make it true for you. Just like you, she needs her feelings validated. Even if we aren’t open to accepting what she is saying we can listen.
We all have different perspectives on experiences. It is okay to hear her and respond. This time try saying exactly what you want to instead of sugar coating things. It’s time to get real and be honest.
5. Be Honest
Being honest can be the hardest part.
It is time to breathe and speak about how you are feeling.
Speak how she makes you feel. Get real, and get honest even when it is hard. Say the things you have always wanted to say but have been afraid to say. This is for you not for her. Honest sets us free. The truth hurts sometimes, and the truth allows us to better understand ourselves and even the truth of our relationships with our moms.
6. Make Boundarie’s
Here we go its boundary time. Below is what you have been waiting for.
It is essential to create boundaries for healthy relationships in our lives. Especially the relationship we have with our moms. Sit with this, what is your line? What is too far? In what ways is she trying to control your life? Or how is she going too far? Or taking advantage of your relationship? Is your relationship built on guilt or lies or both? Look deeper than the surface.
Reflect here. You can even make a mental or even a physical list of boundaries she has crossed that you might have overlooked because she is your mom and you love her. Only its time, enough is enough sisters!
Draw the line. Is your boundary… I can only talk to you once a week. Or, I need some space from you and I need you to respect this boundary. Or is it a boundary with your children or partner? Make the boundary and especially the one you have been afraid to say.
Creating Healthy Boundariess Is A Must!
These are ways I have found it helpful to choose the relationship I have with my mother. Have you ever felt trapped in the relationship with your mom? You love her but she causes you pain and enough is enough. Can you share what are things you have done to create healthy boundaries with your mom relationship or any relationship? Please share in the comments below.
By: Shelly Bond